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If I have some spare time and want to relax, I wsnked spend it watching Netflix or doing a face mask. I like it on occasion, but I can happily do. But when some science-y types recommended masturbation breaks at work — as in wanking in the office during work hours — as a way to improve focus and be a happier, better employee, I was intrigued.

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Maybe I was missing out on all the benefits masturbation could bring. Maybe a quick self-love sesh in the toilets could make me more creative, more efficient, and less full of despair and lethargy. So I decided to do an experiment: one week of masturbating at work, to see if it would make me a significantly improved person.

And in the interests of equality and science, I also recruited Andyone of our writers, our new agony uncle, and a person with a penis, to test out the technique. My plan is to choke my chicken once a day, on business premises, for a full working week, then write about my findings.

Though first I should come clean. As a freelance writer, I divide my time between various poncy London offices and my Brighton living room. Today I start work at a stately Art Deco newspaper office in Kensington, pondering where might be best to slope off and bash one.

Pulling your plonker in an open-plan setting Swinger new Batley several technical challenges, not least disposal of the evidence.

Therefore I conclude the best way to successfully discharge my mission is in a bathroom. I snick m door shut and gingerly crack on.

The second problem is even more intractable. I tend to favour Dartford online yard sale down during the act of self-love on my right-hand side, biting a pillow since you ask. Thus I pass a cramped, frustrating eternity rebooting my ln spankbank, much as one might wrangle an ancient Nokia back to life for a final nostalgic game of Snake.

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Login or Sign Up now to post a comment! Unlike my extremely fortunate colleague Andy, I work in just the one office, not from home. Ads By Traffic Junky.

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